COMEDY

 

 

WOW KICK OF THE MONTH OCTOBER 2012.

 

 

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 Konda alikuwa amelala na mdogo wake wamechomeka neti, usiku mdogo wake akaamka kwenda kujisaidia, aliporudi akawa anaingia kwenye neti Konda akashituka akamzuia '' WE SHULE WAMETOSHA''

 

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 WAWEZA JUAJE NI BONGO MOVIES: ??

1.Jini akifika barabarani anaangalia pande zote ndo avuke barabara
2. Matajiri majumba yao yana askari badala ya electric fance n gatez
3. Trailer inachukua dakika 40.. Hehehhee
4.Part2 ya muvie ukiiona mwanzo unajua part1 ilikuwaje
5. Madem wanaamka wanamakeups usoni na hereni kabisa lol
6. Wakifika hotelini imezoeleka ni juice inaagizwa au wine isiyofunguliwa
7.

Nusu saa m2 anatembea,fanya mazoezi, anakimbizwa ananunua vi2
8.Wimbo wa malavidavi unaimba mpk unaisha
9. M2 yupo village, life gumu anawave kichwani
10.Wote wanaouwawa kwa bunduki hupigwa kifuani au tumboni lini kichwani??
11.Jambazi lazima awe anavaa miwani nyeusi na mvuta sigara..
12. Tajiri anakuja mpenda maskini.

 

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Jamaa mmoja kaka zakee Baa huku akiangalia Glasi yake yenye Bia ,akiwa katika pozi hilo kwa muda wa nusu saa...

Mara Gafla akazama Dereva wa Lori mwenye Masihara mengi na akamsogeleaa , akampokonya Glasii ghafla ilo jaa Biaa na kunywaa Yotee...

Baada ya Sekunde tatu Jamaa akaanzaa kuliaa , derevaa huyoo akamgeukiaa akamwambia "yalikuwa masihara mkubwa wewe hujazoea matani , nitakununuliaa Bia

ingine ,siwezi vumiliaa ona mtu mzima akiliaa noma hizoo "

"hapana sio hivyoo Leo ni siku mbaya sana Maishani mwangu , kwanza kabisa nilipitiwa na usingizi nikachelewa mkutano muhimu kazini kwangu Bossi akanifukuza kazii"

" nilipo toka ktk Jengo la Ofice posta kwenda ktk gari yangu nikakuta gari imeibiwa na polisi wamenipiga saundi uchunguzi unaendelea na gari litaendelea kutafutwa ,nikachukua tax hadi home nikamlipa dereva , mda kidogo nikakumbuka nimeacha pochii kwenye taxi"

" nimeingia ndani kwangu nakuta Mke wangu yupo kitandani na House Boy wangu, nikaamua kuondoka home nikiwaa na hasira na msongo wa mawazo nikaja ktk hii Baa , mda ambao nimekaa hapa nawaza kukatisha maisha yangu ,ukatokea wewe na kunywaa Sumu yangu ktk BIA "

 

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KUUZA MISWAKI

Wanafunzi wa Shule moja ya msingi huko Magomeni walirudi darasani siku ya jumatatu asubuhii, walikuwa na furaha kila mmoja akiwaza kwa furaha kuelezea mafanikio yake alo yapata katika kazi walo tumwa weekend !

AMINA : Mwalimu mie nilifanikiwa kuuza maandazi na nilitengeneza shilingi 5000/= ,huku akielezea darasa kwa furaha na majigambo "siri ya mafanikio ilikuwa ni kumsifia mnunuaji na na kumwambia vitu kama umependeza ndio hununua maandazi mengi huku nikimwambia jinsi maandazi yalivyo pikwa kwa usafi na mazingira mazuri "

MWALIMU : akasema "umefanya vizuri sana Amina darasa zima makofi kwa Amina tafadhari "

sasa ikafika zamu ya CHEKA , mwalimu alipumuaa huku jasho likimtoka akijua jinsi mtoto huyo alivyo mtukutu, CHEKA alisogea taratibu hadi mbele ya Darasa na kurusha box lililo jaa pesa kwenye Dawati la Mwalimu na kusema " 120000/= hiyoo "

MWALIMU : "Ulikuwa unauza nini wewe mtoto Mungu wangu ?"

CHEKA : " Miswaki mwalimu nilikuwa nayo mingi katika begi "

MWALIMU : " Uliwezaje kuuza miswaki na kufikisha 120000/= ? nimafanikio mazuri usije ukawa umeiba pesa nyumbani tuh "

CHEKA : Ahh Mwalimu nilitafuta kona inayopita watu wengi mitaaa ya Kariakoo karibu na Nyumbani nikatengenezaaa kimezaa nikaweka beseni langu nikawa nagawa bure Chokoleti nilizo zimix na karanga alizoo kaanga mama tule jana ijumaa nilizokausha vizuri , nilikuwa nikisema ni Sample ya Product mpya...

Kila niliempatia alisema " Mh wewe Mtoto mbona zina Harufu kama MAVI ? "

Nilijibu kwa Upole "Ndio ni Mavi nime ya mix na Karanga " Vp unataka nunua MSWAKI ???

 

 

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How tanzanians request songs on radio stations:

"Samahani ndugu mtangazaji naomba kuagiza nyimbo zifuatazo"

1.Tumepata mapenzi(We found love)-Rehema (Rihanna)

2.Duka la pipi(Candy shop)-Senti hamsini (50 Cent)

3.Mnunuzi dirisha(window shopper)-Senti hamsini (50 Cent)

4.Egemea nyuma(lean back)-Joe mnono (Fat joe)

5.Pesa za kulepua(Money to blow)-Ndege mume (Birdman)

6.Dunia ni mzunguko(World is a cycle)-Richie viungo (Richie spice)

7.Fagia(Sweep)-ndovu mwanamume (Elephant man)

8.Pinda mgongo(Bend over)-RDX

9.Kando ya mto(Riverside)-Utamaduni (Culture)

10.Dunda nami(bounce along)-Wayne ajabu)

 

 

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Kulikuwa na Mkulima mmoja anafuga Nguruwe huko mitaa ya Kawangware,siku moja Kijana alipita shambani
kwake akamuuliza ...
 

KIJANA : " Samahani eti unawalisha nini Nguruwe wako ?"
MKULIMA : "mimi huwalisha mabaki kidogo ya
hotelini,maganda ya matunda na kadhalika. mbona wauliza ?"

KIJANA: " mimi ni daktari wa mifugo kutoka wizarani hivyo tupo kuangalia afya za wakenya wanaokula mnyama huyu , hatakiwi kula mabaki
na uchafu "
Mkulima Alipigwa fine ya 40000/=

Baada ya wiki mbili
kijana mwingine alitembelea maeneo hayo na kuuliza swali kama la kijana yule wa kwanza. mkulima akajibu
MKULIMA : "mie huwalisha ndizi za kupikwa , omena,ugali kidogo na mboga.kijana mbona wauliza ?"
KIJANA " mimi natokea umoja wa mataifa na tunafanya project hapa Kenya na nafikiri sio haki watu wanakufa na njaa wewe unawalisha
Nguruwe chakula kizuri zuri namna hiyo,unajua watu wangapi hufa kwa njaa Afrika sababu ya ukame ? "
Mkulima akatozwa fine ya 50000/=

baada ya wiki mbili;
Bwana si akaja kijana mwingine kutembelea Shambani kwa mzee
huyo ,akamuuliza swali lile lile lakini kabala hajamaliza mkulima akamwambia
MKULIMA : " kijana mie wala usiwe na shaka nami, mie huwapatia Nguruwe
wangu elfu moja kila mmoja akajinunulie msosi anataka siku hiyo "

 

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Jamaa mmoja karudi na iphone
nyumbani,mke wake
akamuuliza,"Mum e wangu
umetoa wapi hiyo simu?"
Mume:"Niliachiwa baada ya

kushinda shindano la mbio."
Mke:"Mbio gani?"
Jamaa akajibu,"Mbio kati ya
mimi,polisi na mwenye hii simu."

 

 

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Mmmmhhh!

 

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UWONGO HAUFAI

Jamaa: Unasoma?
Demu: Hapana sisomi, vipi wewe unasoma?
Jamaa: Ndo nipo form 4 Jangwani

Demu: Jamani hiyo si shule ya wasichana?
Jamaa: Ah! sorry nimechanganya nipo Kisutu
Demu: Mwee mbona nayo ya wasichana
Jamaa: Haa! Nilikuwa nakutania nachukua PhD IFM
Demu: Mh! Ina maana IFM imeanza kutoa PhD?
Jamaa: Ishia zako. Demu mwenyewe hulipi wala nini! Unauliza maswali kama tupo uhamiaji? KWA TAARIFA YAKO NACHUKUA DEGREE YA UDAKTARI CBE!

 

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Ndani ya boti,watu rangi tofauti walikua na mizigo,meli ikazidiwa na ikabidi mizigo ipunguzwe.

Mzungu akatupa computer, akasema "kwetu zipo tele"

Mchina akatupa box la simu

akasema"kwetu zipo tele"

Muhindi Akamwaga kiroba cha tambuu akasema kwetu zipo kibao,

Mmasai akatupa shanga......

Mchaga anahaha hajui atupe nini kila kitu chake anakionea uchungu ,ghafla akamsukumia Mmasai akasema"Yesu na maria hawa wapo tere ARUSHA".

 

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husband comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. From under the blanket
he sees four legs instead of two! he reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as

he can. Once he's done,
he goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As he enters,
he sees his wife there, reading a
magazine. : "hi darling", she says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them.

 

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damn,we c mjanja 2day umeingia anga zangu!!

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MUME:"Mke wangu,nadhani sasa ni muda mwafaka wa kuajiri secretari pale ofisini mwangu,kazi zimekuwa nyingi sana!"

MKE:"Sawa mume wangu usije ukazeeka bure,ila nakuomba utafute mwanamke mwenye sura mbaya na asie na mvuto wowote...ndo uwe makini kazini."

MUME:"Ok! Uko tayari kuanza kazi kesho asubuhi."

 

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 Kuna maiti ilikuwa inaoshwa, ghafla ikaanza kucheka, waoshaji wakajiuliza, inacheka nini? Maiti ikadakia MNANITEKENYA. Wapuuzi nyie.

 

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Ukitaka kujua Hasheem Thabeet ni mrefu angalia picha hii

Hapa Dida akiwa na Hasheem Thabeet

 

 

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Comedy: Ferooz aliuza Jeep yake na kununua basi hili

Hii ndo inaelekewa wapi vile?

 

 

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Wavuta bangi wawili waliona embe juu ya mti, wakaamua kulitungua. Walirusha mawe mengi lakini hawakufanikiwa kuliangusha. Mvuta bangi mmoja akasema isije ikawa embe lenyewe bichi, ngoja nipande juu nikalicheki. Baada ya dakiak kadhaayule mvuta bangi akashuka chini akamwambia mwenzake nimelibonyeza limeiva vizuri kabisa, tuendelee kulitungua mwanangu

 

 

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Jamaa mmoja alinyimwa msosi msibani kwa hasira akaaga akisema

"HAMNA NOMA NA MIE  NITAFIWA TU"

 

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Amini usiamini kumbe English ni lugha ya wanyama ndugu zangu,
Paka ukimcheleweshea maziwa utamsikia akisema Now now!!! Ng'ombe nae hasiposhiba atakwambia More more!!!,
Mbwa nae ukipita kwao kama hakujui atakuuliza Who who!!!.

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MTALII mmoja kaja BONGO akakutana na interpreter mmoja mswahili anaitwa MKUBYA wakaenda hotelini mambo yakawa hivi:

TOURIST:"Do you have vegetables here?"
MKUBYA:"Mnavyo vijimeza hapa?"

WAITER:"Vijimeza vidogo hatuna."
MKUBYA:"No sir,they dont have."

TOURIST:"Ok,fine do you have hotdogs?"
MKUBYA:"Sawa,je mnao mbwa moto?"

WAITER:"Loh! Bwana we hatupiki mbwa hapa!"
MKUBYA"They dont cook here."

TOURIST:"What type of snacks do you have here?"
MKUBYA:"Aina gani ya nyoka munauza hapa?"

WAITER:"We bwana ee hapa hatupiki aina yeyote ya nyoka mwache akale nyumbani kwao."

MKUBYA:"They dont cook any type of snacks here,maybe you can go back and eat at home."

TOURIST:"Ok,atleast give us cocktail juice."
MKUBYA:"Ok,basi tupatie hata juisi ya mkia wa jogoo."

WAITER:"Pumbavu,hebu tokeni na bangi zenu hapa,tena sasa hivi kabla sijakasirika!!"

MKUBYA:"Lets get out of here i think this man is crazy!!"
~Ne~

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Mpoki Mwarabu Wa Libya
  FUNGENI Mikanda Wa Bongo wotee Hali ya Sasa Ni Ngumu Kama Unavyoona Wachinaa Sasa Wahamiaa Hadi Kwenye Kuchomaa MAHINDI ......Magazeti nayoo wapo Njiani.......

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 MUME NA MKE;

Saa mbili asubuhi jamaa bado hajarudi nyumbani kwake toka jana.Mke akakerwa sana,mwishowe akaamua kumpigia simu:

WIFE:"Uko wapi we mwanamume ovyo,muhuni mkubwa usiku mzima humkumbuki mkeo kazi kuzurura tu,mi nimechoka mpuuzi wewe unipe talaka yangu! Tena leo.....uko wapi?"

JAMAA:"Unakumbuka lile duka la sonara? Pale ulipoona ule mkufu wa dhahabu ukaupenda sana?"

WIFE:{akaanza kuwa mpole} "Ndio

mume wangu mpenzi,napakumbuka.Kumbe darling uko nje unatafuta mazuri ili mkeo nipendeze,nisamehe kwa hayo maneno yangu makali.Kwa hivyo ndo uko hapo umeamua kuununua...we nawe unanipenda kweli,asante sana mume wangu,najua umechoka nunua haraka uje unywe chai kabla ya hujaenda ofisini.Mwaaaah♥"

JAMAA:"Hapana sio hivyo nilitaka nikwambie niko kwenye bar karibu na hilo duka....kuna beer za offer nakunywa tokea jana!!"

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 ULINZI MWINGINE........

Ulinzi Wa Kiroho Check.....Ulinzi Wa KImwili Check .......hehehe wewe Wahisi Mtu Huyuuu alifanya Kosaa Gani ? Mpaka Kujilindaa Namnaa Hiyooo....??